I want to have your abortion
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
