thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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