Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
