Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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