i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
