I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
