You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
