I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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