why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
