I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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