The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And then he peed in my hair
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