My hand turned me down
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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