Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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