I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When did angry sex become our thing?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
