I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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