Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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