Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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