Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
