I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
