my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
