Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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