Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
