So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
