I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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