She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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