oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
