so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize