if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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