My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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