no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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