You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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