my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
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