Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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