some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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