haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
