Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
