I'm jealous of your bromance
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
