your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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