Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
