Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
