saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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