4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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