We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
