Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
