Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
