Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
