and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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