I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
