Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
