Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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