why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
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I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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