Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
