we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
