Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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