The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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