haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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