Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
