I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
