but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Randomize
